Happy Festivus Ute Fans: The Airing of Grievances


Ute Fans, Utah Athletics, Pac-12 Schools and Pac-12 Fans…


1.  Back in 2008 a bunch of you idiots ran our Offensive Coordinator our of town.  The weird part about it, is that we went 13-0 and won the Sugar Bowl.  You said he sucked and that Brian Johnson was the genius behind the offense and he was the real OC.  You idiots got your wish so shut up.

2. By the way, generally if you’re bitching about Offensive Coordinators, you’re an idiot.  Yes, I’m happy that you called plays once for a little league team or that you’ve won seven straight national titles on XBOX.  But could you turn the level up to varsity before you think you know better than our coaching staff.

3.  Lane Kiffen.  Actually I have no problem with you Lane.  USC is who I have the problem with.  They’re going to fire you soon because you’re not a good coach.  And with that I’m going to lose 65% of my jokes.  Seriously, do you know how hard it’s going to be to start writing Mike MacIntyre or Jim Mora Jr. jokes.  SAVE LANE KIFFEN.

4.  Utah Quarterbacks.  Is it too damn much to ask that we have one quarterback for the season.

5.  To the Coed’s of Colorado, Washington, Cal.  I write a weekly column that requires photos of females from your schools looking attractive.  Are there attractive women at your schools?  If so put photos of them on the internet.  This isn’t a complaint I’d have to make in the SEC.

6.  To The Lovers of Larry Krystkowiak.  What is wrong with you people?  Your obsession that all is well and that Larry can never be blamed for anything EVER has gone miles beyond anything I ever did defending our previous coaches.  Now you tell me I can’t be critical of blowing a 21 point 2nd half lead TO CAL STATE NORTHRIDGE.

7.  Here are some new rules for the lapdogs.  Larry went and changed last years entire team.  So it isn’t AMAZING that we’re doing better.  Second Larry has more responsibility than anyone for losing all of our players from the previous coach, so he doesn’t get a pass for that first year.  So the question remains, how long before we get to be as good as the team we had before him, and how long before we get one that is better?

8. Colorado.  Congrats, your Jon Embree debacle made me hate you.  I didn’t think it was possible.

9.  To our fans pissy about how we’ve done in the Pac-12 transition.  See comments about offensive coordinators.  Did you think this would be easy?

10.  To Brian Belchen. LAY OFF THE WEED MAN.  You ended up having a terrible year and we need you not to suck next year.

11.  Arizona St. fans.  You’re a shockingly douchey group of people for having done so very little.  Why is that.  Is it because of your women?  Because it isn’t because of athletics.

12.  USC fans.  Frankly when we came to the Pac-12 we thought you’d be douchier.  You’re not living up to your reputation and I expect better.

13. Larry Scott.  I have no problems with you.  You are the greatest man who has ever lived.

14.  Sonny Dykes.  I don’t have a problem with you yet.  But I expect you to become a serious source for jokes.  If not I’m going to have some problems with you.

15.  Losing.  While this move to the Pac-12 thing has been in the not traveling to Laramie, Wyoming sense of things.  I miss winning, which is something we haven’t done a ton of.  So it’s time that we start putting our big girl panties on in all sports.  By the time the Airing of Grievances returns next year I’m going to single out those sports that are still failing me.  You’ve been warned.

As for Feats of Strength.  That must go to Star Lotulelei for causing Khalid Holmes to freak out so bad just at the thought of Star Lotulelei, that he snapped the ball so poorly Utah scored a touchdown.  And if Utah scoring a touchdown wasn’t a FESTIVUS MIRACLE this year, I don’t know what is.