Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About UCLA…


Most of the time, when I begin my everything you want to know columns, I list a lot of absolutely true facts that I totally didn’t make up.  But to really understand UCLA, you have to understand the psyche of the Bruin fan.

Think of UCLA as a beautiful woman.  In fact UCLA is hotter than most other women.  The problem is that one of the few women more beautiful than UCLA is here sister who lives across town.  UCLA’s sister, is prettier, richer, dates celebrities and gets into all the clubs.  This makes UCLA a very dangerous thing, a beautiful woman with really really bad self-esteem.

Now this self-esteem issue plays itself out in a variety of ways.  UCLA studies more.  She pretends she’s into things outside the mainstream, like basketball.  But what she really wants is to be her sister.  It makes her sometimes a real bitch.  But the beauty is, if you get UCLA into bed, she’ll be a lot more fun than UCLA because the self-esteem thing will make her do anything.  Like hire Rick Neuheisel.

I think you get my point.

Now on to some facts.

UCLA was founded in 1961 by Brian Wilson and Mike Love.  To this day I believe the UCLA fight song is, I Get Around with UCLA fight fight fight thrown in.

UCLA has a lot of asian students.  I considered making a joke about that but they all come off as either racist or lame as in the case of this girl, racist and lame.

UCLA forced Bill Walton onto all of us.

Any argument with anyone from UCLA will end with them quoting John Wooden.

UCLA’s famous alumni include Blossom’s Miyam Bialik.  No word on whether Six went to UCLA as well.

I just really wanted to throw out a Six reference.

UCLA once let Tommy “Big Love” Grady lead the Utes to a 50-0 win against them.  I don’t honestly know how they look us in the eye.

Finally, know that what ever happens, UCLA will be kicking Utah’s ass in basketball six to eight weeks from now.

And that’s all you need to know.