Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About USC

USC was founded by John Wayne.  Which would be cool except when he went there, he wore skinny jeans, had Justin Bieber hair and went by the name Marion Morrison.  He used to try and pick chicks up by saying, hey check out my Model-T and do you know how rich my dad is.

USC has long prided itself on the requirement that all males who are admitted be, “douchebags.”

USC boasts a rivalry with Notre Dame that started because Knute Rockne’s wife wanted to go to California (this is actually true).

The USC band plays a lot of different songs when things happen, but I don’t care.

USC stripped Reggie Bush of his Heisman, but allows OJ Simpson to keep his.  They also assist OJ in his search for the real killers and pay protection money while he is in prison.

During World War II, their president’s last name was von KleinSmid.  Insert Nazi joke here.

USC is known for their willingness to go on probation, even in a sport like basketball where it didn’t result in wins.

The major of every female who attends USC is listed as Trophy Wife Studies.  Their only graduate study for women is a Masters in Gold Digging.  They also offer a Certificate in Marrying an Rich Old Guy Who is Close to Death.

They hired Lane Kiffin as their head coach, which tells you they only care about genuine class.  BTW Lane Kiffin went to Fresno St.  So USC’s football team is being led by a Fresno St. grad.  I find this amusing and I think no one at USC must know this.

Lane’s wife Layla is really hot, but she went to Florida so it’s surprising she doesn’t wear jorts all the time.

Finally, beware of a coming scandal involving improper benefits given to Matt Barkley in the form of highlights for his hair.

And that is all you need to know about USC.