All You Ever Wanted To Know About Brigham Young University


Brigham Young University was founded in 1875.  It was originally known as Brigham Young Academy and it was where boys who were to stupid to answer, “NO” during their Bishop’s Interview when asked if the had a problem with masturbation.  Essentially it was a “re-education” facility.

BYU’s motto is, “The Campus Is Our World.”

From it’s founding through much of the 20th century, nothing happened at BYU.  In fact, German physicists after World War II conducted a study fearing that a hole could be ripped in the fabric of time and space because of the shocking levels of nothingness at BYU.

In 1972, LaVell Edwards became head coach of their football and at the same time invented the sport of college football.  (It’s another time-space question, you won’t get it).  LaVell also invented the forward pass despite it having been used for many years at both the college and pro level.  Rumor has it BYU has a machine similar to Dr. Who’s TARDIS, except that its powered by the desperation of BYU coeds looking to get married.  With that much fuel available, it’s why BYU can time travel at will.

Suddenly BYU had an athletic department budget larger than every other school in the Western Athletic Conference combined, but according to BYU fans, none of it came from the LDS church.  As LaVell once said, they were blessed.  BYU dominated WAC football from 1977 to 1986, which according to BYU fans is the entire history of college football.

In 1990, their QB Ty Detmer won the Heisman Trophy by beating Miami and then never appearing on TV again.  Oddly Doug Flutie won a Heisman in a similar manner.  A true BYU fan will mention both the Heisman and beating Miami as one of the reasons their team will win that week despite the fact these events happened 20 years ago.  Oddly they never mention the Holiday Bowl from that same season.  So in case you’ve never seen the highlights of that game, here they are.  BTW these highlights are almost like porn for me.  BTW, if you ever get a chance to see the A&M marching band, take it, my favorite band in the nation.

That same year Utah hired a coach and decided to actually spend money on football.  BYU would never be the same.  Although they would work very hard mentally to pretend that nothing had changed.  Having lived through the Majerus years in basketball and the McBride/Meyer/Whitingham years in football, the BYU fan is a shell of his former self.  Having devolved from a proud Cougar to the equal of a kitty battling with a ball of string.

It even seems cruel to make jokes about Independence at this point BYU has lost so much.  Why it’s so bad they’ve made a hero out of a guy who got as far as the Ray Giacolletti coached Utes did in the NCAA tourney.

A few other notable facts…

– Ice Cream is considered an aphrodisiac

– Most of their students believe any issue can be solved by saying, “I Go To BYU.”

– Being a whiny cheap bastard is considered a good thing.

– If you’ve ever dreamed of getting to 2nd base with a fat girl on the first date, BYU is your school.  If you want to get further than 2nd base BYU is not your school.

– Never on the face of the earth has something so weird also been made to be so boring.