Pac-12 Football: An “Interview” With Lane Kiffin
Editors Note: I began my old blog, Crimson’s Corner just about one year ago. Then the fine folks here at Fansided.com plucked me from obscurity and decided to give me a chance here. Lane Kiffin and his wife “sat down” with us a year ago at Crimson’s Corner (an interview you can read here) and we asked him if he’d return to mark 50 Days Till College Football.
Hoyo’s Revenge (HR): Hi, Lane, Mrs. Kiffin, it’s nice to see you again.
Lane Kiffin (LK): That’s Mr. Kiffin
HR: What?
LK: You’ll refer to me as Mr. Kiffin
HR: Sure, Of Course, but may I ask why.
LK: I used to be Lane “Effing” Kiffin but I’ve clearly grown as a man and a coach. A title such as Mister bestows recognition upon my personal growth and maturity. (note Effing has been changed from the F-word Mr. Kiffin really said, this is a family blog)
LK: Isn’t it obvious to you?
HR: Is what obvious?
LK: My personal “Effing” growth you moron. Isn’t my growth just crystal damn clear. DAMNIT HONEY WHY CAN’T HE SEE HOW MUCH I’VE GROWN AND MATURED?
Mrs. Kiffin (Mrs. K): Honey you’ve grown so much, no coach in the nation has had as much personal growth as you. Don’t worry what this idiot says, the haters only make the Kiffin’s stronger.
HR: Lane, err… Mr. Kiffin, let me get to some questions. Do you feel the scholarship reductions are going to begin to affect USC this season.
LK: See there you go trying to tear down Mr. Lane Kiffin, you media people with your gotcha questions. I won’t allow it, it just makes me stronger as a coach and a man.
HR: But won’t the sanctions affect you at some point?
LK: Hell no. The sanctions were just an attempt by the NCAA, the Pac-12, Mr. Larry Scott and the FDA to tear down USC football.
HR: The FDA
LK: Yes don’t act like you don’t know?
HR: And the Pac-12 and Larry Scott
LK: Haters, all haters who fail to understand our greatness. We’re USC, we eat greatness for breakfast.
HR: But Lane, sorry Mr. Kiffin, at some point this will affect you.
LK: Why, look I don’t have the exact information in front of me but I believe last season, we beat a couple of teams only using 7 or 8 players. Hell this season I’m not sure I’ll even use players in every game.
HR: What?
LK: That is how much I’ve grown, I don’t need players to beat other teams. I’m simply going to out coach everyone.
HR: What?
LK: That is what it is like to be in the presence of true coaching greatness like Lane Kiffin.
Mrs. K: Tell him honey, Tell him.
HR: Lets shift gears for a moment. Ms. Kiffin, what is going on in your life, these days.
LK: That’s Mrs. Mr. Kiffin to you.
Mrs. K: Oh I’ve started some charity work, as a coaches wife, I don’t feel the need to have job.
HR: And what is your charity.
Mrs. K: It’s called Be Pretty Please.
HR: What does Be Pretty Please do?
Mrs. K: Well it’s a program I hope to get into all the schools where we encourage ugly people not to go outside anymore, and to stay at home and just be on the internet.
HR: What?
Mrs. K: Yes I feel, and Lane agrees that even seeing one ugly person in a day just makes most pretty people sad. And why should we have to feel sad. So if you can’t be pretty, we need you to simply stay inside. In fact USC is instituting online courses just so we don’t have to have ugly people come to the campus anymore. Isn’t that wonderful?
HR: Mr. Kiffin, we’re running out of time, let me ask you about some of the other teams in the Pac-12, who might be a challenge to USC this season.
LK: No one, I don’t even concern myself with learning who the other teams are. I just coach.
HR: Not even Oregon?
LK: How dare you mention them to me. Like I’m going to be beaten by a fat boy who holds up pictures. Hell he still thinks he needs players.
Mrs. K: And the women in Oregon, many of them need the Be Pretty Please Program.
LK: I don’t think I want to be here anymore, I think you’re trying to tear me down. But that will just make me stronger. Lets go honey.
(and with that Mr. Kiffin left)