(Editors Note: We saw that Ole Miss had an instructional video on the quirks of cheering for the Rebels at the Grove, and then we saw that BYU copied that. So we here at the Corner felt that the 1000’s of new Utes needed some instruction on how to cheer for the Utes. Since we don’t have a budget for video, please read along.)
Welcome to you new Ute fans and those of you who need or want a refresher course. We hope you find this helpful.
– The first element of being a Ute fan is some element of self loathing. Because Utah never had much football success and then spend the 1970’s and 1980’s being bent over by our little brothers from BYU, we have a bit of belief at our core that this is all going to go away. Because of this, anytime anything goes wrong, from not gaining 5 yards on every running play to each incomplete pass or each first down given up on defense, a little bit of us wonders if it is all over right there. Because of this our fan base has several quirks.
– The first is that we hate all Offensive Coordinators that are not involved with Urban Meyer or named Norm Chow. And Norm himself was in trouble during the Montana St. game. Your hatred of the OC can be signaled by simply shouting “FIRE LUDWIG.” Now it doesn’t matter that the OC isn’t named Ludwig, its just how Ute fans do things. We can convince ourselves that somehow our OC had nothing to do with going 12-0 and winning the Sugar Bowl.
– It’s also O.K. to suggest that said offense coordinator both runs and passes the ball too much. In fact it is fine if you think he runs the ball too much to support someone who hates him because he throws too much. Also included in this theory is both throwing the deep ball too much and not enough.
-It is also O.K. to suggest that they offense isn’t diverse enough unless you throw on first down 100% of the time.
– On top of hating the O.C., it is also required to dislike the QB and tell many stories about how the guy behind him “is really looking good and picking things up.” Also if said QB is playing with an injury, it is important to ignore the injury and keep saying in some form, that QB sucks. Don’t forget, we’re a fan base who said Brian Johnson didn’t have it and bitched about him during a 12-0 season all the way until he destroyed Alabama in the Sugar Bowl.
– We generally love our Defensive Coordinators and will not bad mouth them no matter what happens.
– The one exception to this has to do with cornerbacks. We must bitch about how our cornerbacks never turn around and look for the ball. In doing so, we must ignore every time it is pointed out that is how they are coached.
– Every time we see a cornerback not turn around, we must scream “DAMNIT ARNOLD PARKER TURN AROUND FOR THE BALL.” All Ute cornerbacks who make a mistake are referred to as “ARNOLD PARKER.”
– Finally you must love or at least pretend to love, Crazy Lady. For some inexplicable reason, Ute fans have decided that an old lady who forces us to watch her “dance” at the end of the 3rd quarter and has been doing so for about 5 years, is in fact our most sacred tradition. If you dare voice the opinion that she sucks, you will be informed that she is a great Ute fan and you in fact suck. Speak no ill will of Crazy Lady. Even though she does in fact suck and is the worst tradition in Division I football not taking place in Provo.
We hope this is helpful and that you return for the basketball edition when you find out why, “well Majerus would have,” is a proper response to any question and how you must never offend Utah high school basketball coaches because they are sensitive like 12 year old girls.