Crimson’s Corner (CC): Coach Kiffin, Mrs. Kiffin, thank you for taking time to sit down with Crimson’s Corner on the eve of the first regular season Pac-12 Game.
Lane Kiffin (LK): Hi I’m Lane Fucking Kiffin
CC: Yes Coach I know
LK: And this is my Hot Ass Wife
CC: Yes Coach I know
LK: I mean isn’t she a total P.O.A.
CC: Uhh, yes?
LK: That’s right she is, now get to your questions. BTW, I don’t know who the hell you are, but the world needs to hear more from Lane Fucking Kiffin, so Lane Fucking Kiffin never turns down an interview.
CC: Well we at Crimson’s Corner appreciate it Coach. If you don’t mind, could we start by talking about your time at Tennessee?
LK: Why in the hell would I want to talk about those window lickers? That is in Lane Fucking Kiffin’s past. Lane Fucking Kiffin is about the future.
CC: Its just there still seems be a bit of a cloud…
LK: NOW LOOK HERE
Lane’s Hot Ass Wife (LHAW): Lane its time I stop making you cover for me. The real reason we left Tennessee is because as hot as I am, I do not look good in that shade of orange, I mean honestly who would?
CC: So you left Tennessee because of their school colors?
LHAW: Yes and because we didn’t want to live among a bunch of toothless hillbillies.
LK: Oh Lord is that true, the whole SEC is nothing but a bunch of sister-humping racists, and they all look down on Tennessee. Besides doesn’t she look better in a tight white USC sweater?
CC: (cough)
LK: Go ahead and take a nice long look, I mean my wife has a fine rack and it looks even better with USC stretched across it. Right?
CC: Uhhhh?
LK: Damnit look at my hot ass wife’s tits.
CC: (taking a nice long but awkward look at Lane Kiffin’s Hot Ass Wife’s Breasts)
CC: Well… Uhhh… Getting back to the interview, Mrs. Kiffin while we’re speaking, would you mind telling us what you do?
LHAW: Are you kidding? I’m a coaches wife and I look like this, I do not work.
LK: Hey aren’t we here to talk about Lane Fucking Kiffin
CC: Um… Ok… Coach Kiffin, so you would say you’re more comfortable at USC.
LK: Of course I am. Have you met these people, what a bunch of spoiled arrogant self-entitled jagoffs who are all here because of their daddies money. I’m only in coaching becauseof my daddies coaching connections, so is there a better coach for USC than Lane Fucking Kiffin?
CC: No?
LK: Damn right there isn’t, plus they don’t mind breaking a rule or two, that will come in handy.
CC: So you think you can be successful here even with the sanctions?
LK: DAMN STRAIGHT. When has Lane Fucking Kiffin Ever failed?
LHAW: Don’t you get it, my husband is amazing.
LK: I’M LANE FUCKING KIFFIN AND I PISS EXCELLENCE
CC: Ok Coach, moving on, could I ask you about your famous dust ups with Urban Meyer?
LK: YOU SON OF A BITCH
At that point Lane grabbed his wife’s Chardonnay and threw it in my face, then he grabbed a butter knife and leapt across the table. He threatened to “do me OJ Style because that is how we roll at USC,” and then began slapping me hysterically and screaming, “HOW DARE YOU MENTION HIM TO ME.”
We ended the interview at that point.