Editors Note: For the third season in a row, “Lane Kiffin” has agreed to sit down for an “interview” with Hoyo’s Revenge. Now you may ask why we aren’t interviewing our own coach? In a phrase, Kyle Whittingham just isn’t funny. So Enjoy.
Hoyo’s Revenge (HR): Lane, thanks for joining us one more time to kick off the college football season.
Lane Kiffin (LK): STOP ASKING ME ABOUT MY QUARTERBACKS, I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU.
HR: Lane, I didn’t ask about your quarterback situation.
LK: That’s how you were going to trick me.
HR: Trick you into what?
LK: Trick me into talking about my quarterback situation. I’m LANE EFFING KIFFIN and I don’t talk about my quarterbacks unless I want to and I DON’T WANT TO.
HR: Then we won’t talk about your quarterback situation, what about…
LK: I mean I can do what ever the hell I want and it will work. I might play 12 quarterbacks, how would you even defend that?
HR: I think that would be illegal, Lane.
LK: No it wouldn’t and it shows what a genius I am, no one has thought of a 12 quarterback offense. I’m a football genius damnit.
HR: Well lets talk about your defense, how will things be different with your father deciding to head to the NFL?
LK: What are you saying, I can’t do anything without my father, that he’s the only reason I’m working, that he’s the genius not me. WELL ITS NOT TRUE NONE OF IT, I’M THE SMART ONE! I AM! I AM! (he says appearing to tear up)
HR: Lane please, calm down, I’m simply trying to see how you view your team this season.
LK: HOW I VIEW MY TEAM? YOU’RE JUST OUT TO GET ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. That bastard Mora sent you didn’t he. Cheating bastard.
HR: You think Coach Mora and UCLA cheated last year?
LK: Hell yes, I mean I don’t have proof or anything, but they won didn’t they? Doesn’t that tell you all you need to know. They cheated right after that bastard Rich Rod cheated too.
HR: Lane I think you’re sounding a little paranoid.
LK: Paranoid? PARANOID? Is it paranoid to think everyone is out to get you?
LK: Look I’m LANE EFFING KIFFIN, and I’ve told you before I piss excellence. If I’m not winning it surely isn’t through any fault of my own. This conference sees an awesome coach with a hot ass wife who built a school like USC from nothing and they decide they have to tear him down bit by bit. Well I’m on to you all and I’m not going to let it stop me. I’m LANE KIFFIN AND I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD
(At that point Lane storms out of the interview, as he is running down the hallway I could hear him yell, I AM THE GREATEST DAMNIT)