Lane Kiffin- Stop The War On Beautiful People

Editor’s Note: This is an essay written by Lane Kiffin to address the disparity in sanctions between USC and Oregon.

Hello, my name is Lane Kiffin and I have to admit something, I AM A BEAUTIFUL PERSON.  I mean just look at me, the striking eyes, the chiseled jaw and an amazing body.  Men want to be me and women want to have me.  Look at my wife Layla.  The only phrase that can describe her is, HOT PIECE OF ASS.  Most of you losers would crawl on your belly over broken glass just to drink her bath water.  And we’ve made stunning children.

Now let me lay some truth on you. Beautiful People make the world a better place.  Wouldn’t you rather spend most of your day looking at Layla and myself instead of the losers around you.

I coach at a place called the University of Southern California.  It is full of beautiful people.  In fact, it’s the only university in America that actually requires it.  And lets face facts, just looking at people who were so lucky as to attend USC make your lives better.

So it troubles me to see that all over America, Beautiful People, the ones who make the world one worth living in, are being torn down while ugly people get a pass for the same crime.  The case in point is Oregon.

Have you seen people in Oregon?  This is not a pretty state.  Pasty white people who fear the sun.  The whole state looks like they’ve discovered another white meat.  And they were led by their horribly ugly coach Chip Kelly.  He looks like a Garden Gnome.

How can the NCAA let the fuglies get off while standing by and crushing one of the most beautiful programs in the country?  It’s not right, and it’s not American.

So please, contact your congressperson today and ask them to stop the war on Beautiful People. Because we make your lives better.