A secret Pac-12 Football Coaches Summit was held recently for coaches to discuss issues facing Pac-12 Football. Here is a transcript of that event.
Larry Scott: Thank You all for coming. First let me start by saying that Todd Graham isn’t here, he said he didn’t think he needed to talk to us in person and he could simply text. Also, as many of you know now, Jeff Tedford is a Cyborg and his programming is being upgraded, his comments will be limited. And with that, lets begin.
Lane Kiffin: I might as well start this off, I mean, I’m Lane Fucking Kiffin, we’re USC and we’re back baby.
Steve Sarkesian: Oh yeah, well as big a dick as you can be I can be bigger WOLF WOLF WOLF.
Kiffin: Yeah Steve we know you’re working hard on becoming USC light including the probation.
Mike Leach: ARRRR, there’s a new pirate in these here waters.
Sark: You know you still coach in Pullman right.
(At this point Chip Kelly holds up a card with a photos of a chocolate cake, Kiss drummer Peter Criss, a binobo monkey and former ESPN jerk Craig James)
(Mike Leach leaps from his seat and commences beating Chip Kelly. Kyle Whittingham and Jon Embry wrestle him off)
Larry Scott: Gentlemen this isn’t how I hoped this meeting would go.
Kiffin: Yeah just sit back and let me tell you how it is. I’m Lane Fucking Kiffin, I’ve got a hot ass wife, I coach at USC and you all want to be me.
Sark: No you all want to be me WOLF WOLF WOLF.
Jim Mora Jr.: Look Guys during my time in the NFL…
Kiffin: Shut the fuck up, you’re about to be my bitch. You were shitter in the NFL than I was.
Rich Rodriguez: Wow, and I thought the Big 10 was bad.
Kiffin: Did anyone ask you?
Sark: Yeah did anyone ask you? WOLF WOLF WOLF
Kyle Whittingham: You guys are idiots, I’m leaving.
Sark: Why do you need to go and onside kick on someone while being up by 40? Wolf Wolf Wolf
(Kyle leaps at Sark but both stop when the ghost of LaVell Edwards appears and tells them they are both his plays and they need to get along. This is strange because LaVell Edwards isn’t dead)
Mike Riley: I don’t like all this conflict, I need a glass of milk and my blankey.
(Chip Kelly holds up a card with four vaginas on it and directs it at Riley, Riley runs from the room crying)
At this point, Dennis Erickson walks in with a Jack and Coke and asks where the hookers are. Larry Scott adjourns the meeting.
Topics: Arizona, Asu, Byu, Cal, Chip Kelly, Dennis Erickson, Jeff Tedford, Jim Mora Jr. Todd Graham, Jon Enbry, Kyle Whittingham, Lane Kiffin, Mike Reilly, Oregon, Oregon St., Pac 12, Steve Sarkesian, Utah Utes, Washington, Wazzu