The twitter rumor broke yesterday that Gary Crouton has interviewed for the offensive coordinator position at Utah. Crouton of course was the head coach at BYU for what Ute fans would call one crappy and three glorious years. Of course if Adam Tate turns the other way and Lance Rice wasn’t our QB, it would have been four glorious years, but I digress. Now I could recount more of the history of Crouton but I’d start giggling too much. But I’ll give you all one from the memory vault, “I wanted to win by 9 instead of 2.”
I don’t get even considering Crouton, unless Kyle thinks he can harness Crouton’s “one great year” and get us a national title next year.
But if we’re hiring for the long term, here are some options.
Pay Norm Chow to call the games via Skype: Now this would be a little tricky, as Norm wouldn’t be a part of the scouting and we’d have to figure out scheduling issues as there couldn’t be a Hawaii game going on at the same time, but I’d be willing to work on this. If we just bought him an Ipad maybe he could do it via Facetime from the Hawaii sidelines.
Find the best Playstation 3 NCAA 12 player in Utah: This was a suggestion from my friend Jeremy via Facebook. Since Crouton calls plays like he’s playing NCAA 12, why not just go to the best option of that style possible.
A Giant Roulette Wheel: Each play corresponds to a number on the wheel. We’d need a smaller wheel for the hurry up to save time.
A Monkey and a Giant Board: This was actually my first thought, get a board with all our plays on it and have the monkey throw shit at the board.
Someone from the Muss each week: But the condition is you have to go to basketball games. If you go to hoop games you can win a chance to be Offensive Coordinator for a game next season.
A-Rod, but have him piss off of a 10 foot platform: have little buckets, which ever gets the most piss, thats the play. The issue would be keeping A-Rod hydrated enough. Maybe an IV would be needed.
The Topless Lady from The North End Zone: Eric just made a great suggestion to make this lady OC or at least have her replace Crazy Lady. I’d say make her OC but put a camera on her with is all that plays on the JumboTron. And she has to stay topless
Tim Tebow and God: Corey suggested via twitter that we should hire Tim Tebow and he can pray to God for each play. Divinely inspired play calling, I LIKE IT.
Crouton plus idea balls: Matthew suggested on Facebook that if we do hire Crouton we have him instead of calling plays just pull idea balls like the Manatees who wrote Family Guy on that episode of South park.
If you have suggestions on People or Things that would be a better Offensive Coordinator than Gary Crouton, tweet them to me (@Crimsonscorner), I’ll add them to the list and give you credit.