(Editors Note: Before we began this interview, the Sports Information Director for Arizona State University asked us if we had bite insurance or cared to buy some.)
Crimson’s Corner (CC): Vontaze we thank you for taking the time to sit down with us.
Vontaze Burfict (VB): (stares blankly at me)
CC: Vontaze if you don’t mind I’d like to get right to some serious question. Some people think your a dirty player, USC QB Matt Barkley even went so far as to say in publicly, how do you respond to this?
VB: (Still Staring)
CC: Any Response Vontaze
VB: In the game life, Vontaze Burfict is merely a pawn.
VB: You think you know Vontaze, you see an outside shell and hear a few stories and think, I know all there is to know about that man. Well you know nothing. Vontaze Burfict is a complex sensitive man who is forced to wear a mask of violence.
VB: Vontaze Burfict loves the world and wants to bring beauty to it, is that so hard for you to understand?
CC: (Stares Blankly at Vontaze)
VB: Football is nothing but Vontaze holding a mirror up to the world, to show the world its violence, Vontaze isn’t violent, the world is violent.
CC: I’m not sure where to go with this.
VB: Would you like to hear a poem?
CC: Umm sure?
VB: This is a Haiku
Pony in Meadow
Dancing Among the Flowers
Wish Pony Vontaze
VB: How about another?
There was a young boy from LA
Football was what he did play
But the song and the dance
The beach and romance
Vontaze prefers life that way
CC: Vontaze, if you dislike football, why not quit.
(At this point Vontaze picks me up and slams me against a wall, and I pee my pants)
VB: Haven’t you been listening man, the world is a hard place and I must show the world that ugliness and at the same time create beauty. DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?
CC: (still peeing)
VB: Perhaps you’d understand better through an interpretive dance I created. It’s called the Sky is Magic but Andrew Luck must die.
(At this point Vontaze begins to move and leap around the room, he finishes with what I assume was a simulated raping of what I presume is Andrew Luck)
VB: Do you see now why Vontaze is merely a pawn.
CC: Ummm, yes?
(At this point Vontaze grabs us in a giant bear hug and begins weeping uncontrollably)
VB: You understand Vontaze, finally someone understands Vontaze. Maybe Vontaze is no longer pawn. I’m going to give you a freestyle poem to honor this.
No Bandage can hide my scars
Its hard living behind invisible bars
I search for the face of God
In the words of Will Smith
My life is read in poetic stages
The mathematical breakdown of micro-fractions
What if Vontaze awakes in an empty pasture
Where no ponies dance
and no butterflies to chase after
I move forward with the strength of a condor
Because Andrew Luck must die
And the Oregon Duck is a whore
CC: Umm, Vontaze, we have to ask one last question?
VB: Please do, you are part of the Vontaze Burfict world now.
CC: What is your prediction for the Utah game?
CC: What do you mean pain?
(At this point Vontaze attacks me and tries to bite my ear off, armed guards burst in and taze Vontaze into submission. They drag Vontaze out while he screams, “I thought you understood.” I did not)